Here with you so close to me until the final flicker of life's ember

Four red tablets for breakfast this morning, and a little extra time on my hands, courtesy of my newest injury. Maybe I will add a mug of black coffee to the mix, just in case I still have any of that pesky stomach lining left.... but then again, I have so much bitterness in my system already that any more might pose an overdose risk. As usual, I only have myself to blame, and for as many times as I have been taught the hard way not to push too far, I still have not managed to learn the lesson. Until I am blue in the face, I will argue that the pushing must be done, but the degree to which it is done... somewhere between not enough effort and too much strain... is a delicate proficiency, and one I continually fail to achieve. It leaves me numb in the aftermath; time enough for emotional outbursts last night when the failure was fresh, but the dawning of a new day brings with it a healthy dose of apathy to dull the pain.

What hurts most now is the notion that, whatever strides or setbacks I may experience while pushing physically, I can never hope to even come close to attaining an intellectual equivalent. Mental muscles, like their brawny counterparts, require resistance in order to grow stronger; a mind, like a body, can challenge itself, but the real gains come when introducing external forces to the equation— the more forceful the better. As forces on this Earth go, yours has always been the weightiest to grapple, so any exercise without you falls hopelessly short of maximum impact. So today I did the next best thing, and spent hours sparring with your shadow. Not the first time, certainly not the last, and while he may not be the real thing, at least he still knows how to wield the blade that draws blood.

Sunday, February 07, 2010 Conceptual Trap (7:57:11 AM): you were never blank

Conceptual Trap (7:57:25 AM): just always took me digging a knife in your side